Cupcakes and Fish Eyes
by Winglong105
Summary: A collection of mostly humor and crack shorts and very short shorts centering the daily life of Durarara! characters. Part Shizaya, part IzaNami. Previously known as "The Musings of Ikebukuro".
1. Phone Call

**Phone Call**

**Disclaimer: I do not, and never will, own Durarara! Unless someone gave me a billion dollars, _then_ I'll buy the show. **

**Characters: Shizuo, Izaya, Namie**

**Genre: Humor, general**

**A very important A/N: This is where those stories that are too short to be publish separately are gathered. It'll mostly be humor, so** **do not take any of these too seriously! **

* * *

For all he cared, Shizuo Heiwajima did not like to make phone calls.

Especially to that damn flea he hates so very, very much.

But it never occurred to him that a certain headless friend of his would actually request him to do it. Celty just wanted to settle things right between those two, ending the hatred, the fights and finally bringing peace at last. It was a primitive plan, bold even. Shizuo knew Izaya would take no time to see it through, but he was still determined to make the call.

"Hello, this is Izaya Orihara."

"Hey flea, it's me. Look, let's just put the past behind us and-"

"You know what? Don't say anything. I know what you're going to tell me."

"Huh?" Shizuo was astounded.

"Look, what you're telling me probably isn't important."

"Flea, no, Izaya I—"

"Oh! Who am I to judge? Come on! It might be good news, well, or bad news. Hey, but let it be good news, for your sake, right Namie-San?"

On the other line, Shizuo could make out an indistinct muffle from the voice of a woman.

"Don't be so spiteful, Namie! Anyway, however irritating you may be, I'm all ears."

Did Izaya just called him irritating? Shizuo was starting to feel ticked off. For all he knew, he certainly was getting anywhere with this conversation.

"Izaya, just listen to me—" He attempted to make the information broker shut up and let him talk, but the babbling continued on.

"By the way, if you're annoyed right now, I'll let you know that I couldn't care less about that." What bugged Shizuo the most is that he said it delightfully.

Shizuo grabbed a street sign's body next to him and held it tightly, bending it into half. If this keeps on, he didn't know when he could hold the anger inside him any longer.

"Yeah, so just leave a message after the beep."

...What the heck?

_Beep_

"Izaya! You fucking flea!"

* * *

At night, when Izaya came back to his apartment from work, he saw a note stuck on his door.

He read it aloud, "Someone visited your apartment this afternoon and told you to check your message box. By the way, I'm leaving early today; I've got something to attend to.

"Namie Yagiri."

Realizing that it was nothing in particular, Izaya paid the message no heed and put in his pocket. After unlocking the door, he found his apartment wrecked, almost unrecognizable.

Besides the ripped curtains, broken chairs, overturned tables and a street sign sticking out of his sofa, he found what most vexing is that the insides of his work phone were all gorged out, leaving gears and parts of the machine on the floor.

It was then Izaya made a mental note to himself that it was time to change the message recording.

* * *

**So, what do you think? Remember to review!**


	2. Locked Out

**Locked Out**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara! or any of it's characters.**

**Characters: Namie, Izaya, Shizuo**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Anyway, enough said, on to the story.**

* * *

"Nee-san, I'm counting on you."

Namie Yagiri put down her cell phone. She would do anything for her brother, even getting the so-deserved revenge on that boss of hers.

* * *

Izaya Orihara was not amused.

"Are you avenging your brother, Namie-san?"

He was locked out of his own apartment.

Sure enough, he admit that he had done something wrong, but it was one of the best nights he ever had. He caused havoc in the city, dragging Celty, Mikado, Namie, Seiji and half of the Ikebukuro citizens into it. It was entertaining, and the best fun he had in months, even though he was just an onlooker in the whole thing.

He even got a new secretary after that! He was glad someone intelligent could help him get his work done. He was happy for that, even though the first thing she'd done was locking him out of his apartment to get revenge for his brother, because Izaya teased him when he found out that the "Celty" he was dating was a fraud.

"Namie-san! I don't suppose you could use another method for revenge?"

No answer.

He suddenly remembered having a spare key hidden in the plant outside his door, incase anything like this ever happened to him.

Izaya lift up the pot and looked for the key underneath.

Needless to say, the key was gone.

Izaya now regretted hiring someone do damn smart for once, someone who could terminate his plan for re-entering his apartment.

He wasn't out of options though. He could always break the door open, or climb up the window.

But he chose the former one, for obvious reasons.

The information broker kicked the door as hard as he could muster. He tried to pick the lock, and even made an attempt to cut open the door with his switchblade.

But still, the door didn't budge.

Maybe he shouldn't have made the door Shizuo-proof.

Right, now the only option he could resort to is climbing up the window into his apartment.

He would look like a fool, like someone imitating the prince in Ranpunzel in the middle of the night, except Namie wasn't blond with preposterously long hair, and Izaya didn't like her. At all.

He was SO getting her back after this.

Walking out of the building, Izaya looked up at his apartment. "28 floors? You've gotta be kidding me," The height seemed intimidating. Sure,he had climb taller heights before, but at this hour? With him being tired and all? This was just asking for too much.

Izaya grabbed hold on one of the bars attached to the building, and started to climb. After ripping his favorite jacket, bruising his arms and legs, and nearly falling to his death, Izaya reached his own floor.

He was worn out, and out of breath, but relieved that he finally reached his goal. However, he made one fatal mistake in his plan:

The window was locked. From the inside.

"Namie-san! Open the window!" Izaya hollered outside. No doubt he was going to recieve complaints from his neighbors later, making a racket at night.

"Namie-san! Namie-sa-" he stopped as he knew his secretary would continue to ignore him.

He sighed. He was certainly NOT going to sleep under a bridge tonight.

He was out of ideas. Sitting on the windowsill and staring at the buildings opposite of him, Izaya frowned in frustration. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a certain blond haired bartender walking down the streets, smoking.

A thought occurred to him. He was going to get Shizu-chan open the window for him, whether he liked it or not.

"Shizu-chan, your brother sucks!"

Knowing that it was what ticked Shizuo off most, Izaya said it without hesitation. And sure enough, after five seconds, a vending machine came flying right at his face.

He dodged it in the neck of time, letting the window behind him smash into bits.

"Izaya! Go to hell!"

Inspecting that no damage (besides the window) was made, Izaya flitted into his apartment, searching for the woman who cause him to go through this ordeal.

And there she was, sitting on his couch, turning to look at him, with a smug smile on her face.

"Had fun, Orihara-san?"

He eyed her with a murderous glare, "I suppose Seiji-kun asked you to do that?"

"No, he just told me to punch you, but I would lose my paycheck if I did that." Her smile turned into a grin. "And I found locking you outside seemed to be a more appealing sort of revenge, don't you agree, Orihara-san?"

Izaya muttered curses under his breath and staggered into his room. Not bothering to change his ragged clothes, he plopped himself onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.

He's going to make her wish she was in hell tomorrow.

* * *

**A/N: I'm aware that Izaya's apartment is a magnet for destruction (hence the last fic and the flying vending machine.) Poor guy.**

**Review! Or you'll find a vending machine flying into your window! XD**


	3. Babysitting

**Babysitting**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Durarara!**

**Characters: Izaya, Namie, Bratty OC**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: I'M SO SORRY! Yes, I know I haven't updated for a month, but life and summer assignments got to me and they just wouldn't let me go! I'M SO SORRY! To all those of you out there who I've told that I'll update long ago and broke my promise, GOMENASAI! **

**I could write a whole chapter of how sorry this lousy author is, but instead I'll give you this chapter as a compensation!**

**Here it is, the long awaited update!**

* * *

"So you've finally turned to kidnapping, Izaya?"

Namie eyed the child who was holding hands with her boss in front of her.

"No Namie, this is babysitting! This is Sayu, from next door." He turned to the girl, "Sayu, introduce yourself to the mean lady."

"Who are you calling mea-"

The girl, without realizing that the two were having a mini argument, grinned at Namie, "Nice to meet you! I'm Sayu Shirakin. I'm six and soon be seven next month!

...

"Really Izaya, what are you going to scheme with this six year old child?"

"I told you, I'm babysitting!"

Namie was still having a hard time believing him, "Return her before you sully her mind or anything."

"Namie, you just have a hard time with children that aren't your brother, right?"

"...No." But indeed it was true, she can't stand other children; they were just so... different.

"Then why?" Izaya pouted.

...If he'd just stop pestering her.

"Fine, just stop annoying me."

"Yes!" Izaya pumped his fist in the air. He kneeled down in front of the girl, "Heard that, Sayu? Izaya onii-san can play with you!"

The girl hugged him and smiled, "Thank you, Namie onee-chan!"

Namie smiled back. She could get used to being called "onee-chan" by a kid once in a while. Somehow, Namie felt that girl seemed like Seiji when he was younger, in a way.

"But in one condition, Izaya."

"What?"

"Don't get her involved in your work."

"Can do!"

"And stop pouting, it's not good for her."

Izaya narrowed his eyebrows, "That makes it two-" Namie glared at him. "Fine."

Namie is going to enjoy this day a lot.

* * *

It's only been an hour and Namie thought she was the only one who couldn't stand the child.

"Sayu, stop messing with my desk!"

That makes it two then.

"But Izaya onee-chan, it's soooo boring!" Sayu lay on the table and sprawled her arms and legs, knocking the documents, and _nearly_made his computer fall to the ground.

"Sayu!" Namie shouted before she could knock over Izaya's cup of coffee. She had a stack of papers to file, and she had no time for cleaning.

"What?"

"Get off the table."

"But-"

"NOW."

The girl curled her lips, and her eyes watered.

"Sayu."

She started to bawl.

"Oh great, you made her cry!"

Forget about her thinking the girl resembled Seiji, Sayu just reminded her a lot of Izaya.

* * *

"Izaya, how much longer...?"

"Two hours."

The both of them put their heads on the table and moaned. Namie felt like she was going to faint from the child's rambling, and Izaya just fell asleep of exhaustion on the second his face touched the glass surface.

Sighing, Namie got up to attend to the girl when she ranted that the macaroni and cheese needs more Cheddar.

* * *

"Namie onee-chan, play with me."

"Sayu, I'm working."

The girl turned to the still sleeping Izaya.

"Izaya onii-chan-"

"He's resting, don't disturb him."

"But I'm bored!"

Namie sighed, if anyone was going to suddenly barge into their apartment and kidnap the girl, now was the time.

"Go watch TV or something."

"There's nothing on!"

"Play with your dolls then."

"I don't have any!"

Namie rubbed her forehead with her finger tips. Seeing that she didn't reply, the child was beginning to sulk.

A headache was coming if the girl doesn't stop, Namie was sure of that.

"Let's play hide and seek then."

Sayu's eyes glimmered and stopped crying at the mention of the game, "Okay!"

Namie forced a grin, "You'll hide, and I'll seek, how about that?"

Without another word, the girl rushed off to find a hiding place in the apartment.

Namie started to count, "One, two, three, four..." when she knew the girl was out of sight, she halted, and sighed in relieve.

After all, the trick was for Sayu to hide, and Namie to not seek.

* * *

"Namie...?"

Izaya woke up from his slumber, a little shocked when he saw Namie quietly working on the desk, and Sayu sitting in front of the TV silently when the girl realized she realized she wasn't going to be found at all.

"You owe me a lot, Izaya."

Izaya smirked, "I know." Deciding to ask Namie how she got the child stop wrecking havoc around the house later, Izaya got up and walked beside his secretary.

They both finally got a moment of peace to finish their work after the whole ordeal.

_Ding-Dong _

"Izaya, go get the door."

Izaya dragged himself to the door, opened to find Sayu's mother standing outside.

"Mrs. Shirakin, I'm so glad your here," Izaya called out for Sayu, who obediently came to meet her mother.

"My Sayu-chan was such an angel today, wasn't she?" She carried her daughter, and grinned.

When Izaya was about to reply, "No, she was a devil that came to destroy our lives", the woman in front of him continued, "You, on the other hand, Mr. Orihara, need more morals!" She pointed at his documents that were scattered on the floor, "Look at this dump! If my Sayu was to live here, I don't even know what she'll end up being. Someone like a rat like you, that's for sure! Come on, Sayu, let's g-"

Izaya slammed the door.

Ignoring the "how rude" that came from the other side of the door, Izaya turned to Namie.

"I'm never going to have children."

Without looking up from her crumpled documents, Namie nodded.

* * *

**A/N: Whew, I'm done. Anyway, I've got the next chapter written, and it'll be out within this week. Beware though, it's going to be shoooort, because short fics are fun to write!**

**Reviews are like milk to Shizuo, so please review!**


	4. A Teensy Tiny Phobia

**A Teensy Tiny Phobia**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Durarara!**

**Characters: Izaya, Namie**

**Genre: Humor**

**A/N: This just happened to me a while ago. By the way, if anyone is wondering about the last chapter, I deleted it, am expanding it, and will post it until it seems decent. **

* * *

"Namie, I just stab something with a pen, and I don't know what to do with it."

"The pen, or the thing?" Namie walked closer to Izaya's desk, held up the murder weapon and inspected it. There was nothing on the tip of the pen, the only visible thing was a blob of dried black ink.

"Look, Izaya, I don't see anything-" The 'blob of ink' was starting squirm, and out popped six wiggling legs and the thing was starting to move upwards.

Namie screamed and drop pen on the floor.

Izaya just stared his panicking secretary in awe and started laugh. "Really, Namie, bugs?" he folded in half and tears were coming out of his eyes. "You're afraid of bugs?"

Namie just glared at the laughing Izaya and back at the pen. Whilst trying to convince herself that the insect was killed from the fall, she took a step back without saying anything.

And out of the bottom of the fallen object, the bug was starting to approach her.

She continued to back away. "Izaya, just do something!"

"You do realize that you're a billion times bigger than the insect?"

"Yes I do. Now get rid of it!"

"But you're so funny..."

"Izaya!"

"Oh, alright." Izaya sighed and got up from his seat. "Look, I still don't think—"

"_KILL IT!_"

With a stomp from the mighty information broker's shoe, the little deadly creature took a one-way trip to heaven.

Namie let out a breath of air in relieve and glared at Izaya. "Tell anyone and you'll be expecting poison in your coffee."

"Okay, okay." he smirked.

They both got back to work and pretended nothing had happened. But what the secretary did not know was that Izaya was planning to let out another heinous creature: A roach.

Yes. A cockroach. A tremendous insect that was going to make her weep in fear.

_Perfect._

* * *

**A/N: Do not take this seriously. Though some people (like me) are scared of bugs, no matter the size. **

**So, yeah...****Review! **


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